bleak and pretty

On my way to work, some past nine in the evening, I was walking down a street when I saw a tiny kitty, sitting in the cold, looking oh-so lonely.

I stopped for a moment and thought: If I wasn't running late for work, I would love to pick it up and save it from the cold; I'll put it in my bag, and share with it my home.

Throughout the evening, I finish my work. The day is done and I head back home. I pass by a narrow street. Guess who's waiting for me? The wee little kitten, playing by a tree.

I ask an elderly lady: “Do you own this kitty?” And she replied, “No, you can keep it, before it gets hit and killed.” I carry the little bundle in my hands. When I came home my neighbor said:

“Wow, you now have a cat!”

I smiled at him, and I said proud: Yes, I now have a kitty. I picked him up on my way from work, and now we'll live together. I won't be so alone.

For years, ever since I was a kid, I've suffered from dermatophagia. As I write this post I have actually just picked my lips and I could taste a bit of iron. My fingers are, well, some of the time, just bleedy.

My condition is not as awful as the ones you see on the internet, but still, it's there. I still bleed from picking my skin and...eating it. Chapped lips is a longstanding problem.

Dermatophagia is a type of OCD. I've had it for about 20 years.

Mom said that to differentiate me from a clone, all she gotta do is check my fingers to see if they've been “eaten”.

I was on a cry fest again yesterday. My problem? Retroactive jealousy. My ever-patient SO still put up with me. For about two hours I cried to him over the phone, whining about his ex's unplanned pregnancy about a decade ago. I kept sobbing over the fact that he knocked her up and had children with her...regardless of the fact that it was a product of contraception failure.

I know I'm being utterly unreasonable and stupid but I can't help it. Thoughts of them having sex, him doing to her the things he would do to me, fill my head up, killing me, and I drown in bitterness and resentment.

After nagging on and on, I found my peace. He assured me and tried his best to establish my self-esteem. In the end, his patience and understanding of me calmed everything down. I appreciate how he never seems to give up on me when I'm being so “trying”.

That's the kind of person I need, someone who will never give up on me because of my mental state. I am an exceptionally difficult person and I am aware of it. I try to be good, really, and focus on the better things.

I have decided to distance myself from the people and things that trigger my obsessive thoughts. I still need to help myself. My SO's patience isn't an unlimited resource.

I might get some almond butter to help with my chapped lips.

And, oh – I have a kitten. Will talk about it soon.

It's inner peace that I need, a sense of security, and maybe learning to respect the people I imagine to be my antagonists.

I barely slept prior to my shift today. I had time to sleep, I just spent most of it crying. For the first time, my bamboo cotton pillow cases got a taste of my bitter tears.

I was also pretty sure my new neighbors heard me sobbing.

Nothing really happened, I just...broke down. I failed to internalize my action steps to better mental health. It must have come to a point where all the feelings I've repressed come floating to the surface, all at once, emerging as tears.

I failed to do the following:

• stop using Facebook
• stop thinking about other people's lives
• focus on my immediate surroundings and self

Triggers are ever important to recognize. But sometimes it's just oh so tempting to cross the line. I'm not a diabetic, but, I can compare it to a diabetic person craving sugar. Oh, especially when my obsessive, inquisitive thoughts come rolling in.

When I was somebody's side chick, I had an unhealthy obsession of checking out my rival's social media. I am very much in the same situation right now, except it's the mother of his two kids. Plus, I got kids to obsess on, too.

It's absolutely painful, it's a thousand cuts being inflicted on me ever so slightly day by day. It just goes deeper and deeper. Wound after wound.

I have thought about just ending all of this and resuming my life as a happy surfer.

It must be unfair to him because he didn't do anything wrong — well, except for not fucking telling me about it until two months and beyond into our relationship.

Bitterness leaves a lasting, unpleasant after taste. Sometimes a swollen pair of tired eyes and wet pillows.

I just want to sleep peacefully. I thought expensive sheets would take care of that, but I guess I'm wrong.

It's inner peace that I need, a sense of security, and maybe learning to respect the people I imagine to be my antagonists. I'm being a lot like Sisyphus in this situation. I need a different strategy.

I'll see how I can work out the respect and acceptance thing. For the record, I became friends with my ex-lover's wife. I'm not saying I'm gonna be friends with BM, but I must change my image of her and find a healthier mindset for this situation.

It's not like I can completely shun them out of my life. I'm bound to see them, at a funeral at least.

Ok, back to work.

It's one of the things that make me think, am I really ready to leave single life behind?

A personal finance advice that I took to heart was to “put your money on things that you spend the most time with.”

And that's how yesterday I ended up spending more than a month's worth of rent on beddings.

I spend many many hours on bed, 8+ hours a day, so having a bed that makes me feel like a princess means I feel like a princess about half the time.

I got a new pillow, a set of linens — bamboo cotton! — and a comforter, which ended up as an extra stuffing on the top layer of my mattress.

The result? My new apartment can now pass as a commercial airbnb studio! I even got a semi-blackout curtain so I could sleep comfortably during the day.

It also rained yesterday afternoon after I made my new bed. Bliss.

Moving to a new apartment had been worth every sweat and pain. My body hurts very slightly but I'm ok.

It's one of the things that make me think, am I really ready to leave single life behind?

I'm starting the month right. Heck, it feels like I just started 2019 altogether. Didn't know that living in a better apartment can feel this good.

Now it feels like I could stay here for much longer. Much longer than planned!

I actually feel like I got my shit together!

I am in the mood to spend money, have a good time, so maybe I'll ask my bro to watch a movie with me later.

Something nice that happened to me today

A dear friend who's been working overseas came back home! I was the first one to meet her at the airport. It was also my first time to visit said airport, and I was absolutely disappointed by how shitty it was.

It was a hot day, too.

Anyway, she took me out for lunch. (I hardly ever get another person to treat me out for lunch! Yay yay!) We talked about our lives, smiled and laughed over Chinese food, and before we parted ways, she gave me a box of chocolate truffles and a brand new shirt. She even gave me money to pay for my cab. (Can't remember the last time anybody gave me money, hahahah!)

Then I came home, slept, then dragged myself to work.

How's work today?

Pretty usual, still half-assing it, and still getting positive feedback because I've mastered “half-assing and still providing good numbers to my bosses.”

Anything that you realized today?

Not much, really, just putting some things into perspective – while SO was making babies with baby mama #2, I was still in elementary school or listening to Taylor Swift back when she was still a country artist.

That's, ugh, a really long time ago. It shouldn't really make sense if I'm the least bothered about it. He doesn't even remember his kids' birthdays. I don't know if that's a dick parenting move, or if I should feel sorry for his poor memory, or if it's a totally normal thing for dads.

I guess I should just get off of it.

I must admit — I am not excited to meet his kids. In fact, I'll be happy to just pretend that they didn't exist. He actually offered to try to introduce them to me the last time I was over at their house, and I was like, fuck no – you see the kids that you haven't see in years first.

I know, it's pretty vile, it's an ugly situation, but fuck it, really, I wanna be done with it.

Again, this all transpired back when Taylor was still a country artist. She still exists, yes, as much as the kids are still alive, but Taylor the country singer is just...ancient history.

Fuck ancient history.

How's solo living again? Did you manage to move to your new apartment yet?

I like how I can pretty much consume porn whenever I want and sleep in total peace. I like how I can skip meals because I don't feel like eating, and that I can eat all the garbage food that I want without getting judged.

I'm still not regularly exercising yet. I will focus on the self-improvement department once I've moved to my new apartment...will start working on that tomorrow...gotta pack all my essentials and leave all my shit and garbage behind.

I'm so excited.

What do you wanna do all day today?

Reddit.

Any five-second plans that you made today?

Make a more organized, insightful, actually useful, and less unpredictable write.as blog.

these past few days i've been getting decreased need for sleep. so, i'm watching out for myself and making sure i don't go overboard on anything.

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today i stalked people i wasn't supposed to look at again. it feels just like smoking a cigarette or two while you're quitting. i wanna be done with it, i wanna be over it, i gotta be over it.

deep breath.

i'll be on a bus later, travel time at least 24 hours.