bleak and pretty

For years, ever since I was a kid, I've suffered from dermatophagia. As I write this post I have actually just picked my lips and I could taste a bit of iron. My fingers are, well, some of the time, just bleedy.

My condition is not as awful as the ones you see on the internet, but still, it's there. I still bleed from picking my skin and...eating it. Chapped lips is a longstanding problem.

Dermatophagia is a type of OCD. I've had it for about 20 years.

Mom said that to differentiate me from a clone, all she gotta do is check my fingers to see if they've been “eaten”.

I was on a cry fest again yesterday. My problem? Retroactive jealousy. My ever-patient SO still put up with me. For about two hours I cried to him over the phone, whining about his ex's unplanned pregnancy about a decade ago. I kept sobbing over the fact that he knocked her up and had children with her...regardless of the fact that it was a product of contraception failure.

I know I'm being utterly unreasonable and stupid but I can't help it. Thoughts of them having sex, him doing to her the things he would do to me, fill my head up, killing me, and I drown in bitterness and resentment.

After nagging on and on, I found my peace. He assured me and tried his best to establish my self-esteem. In the end, his patience and understanding of me calmed everything down. I appreciate how he never seems to give up on me when I'm being so “trying”.

That's the kind of person I need, someone who will never give up on me because of my mental state. I am an exceptionally difficult person and I am aware of it. I try to be good, really, and focus on the better things.

I have decided to distance myself from the people and things that trigger my obsessive thoughts. I still need to help myself. My SO's patience isn't an unlimited resource.

I might get some almond butter to help with my chapped lips.

And, oh – I have a kitten. Will talk about it soon.