Tears on my pillow today

It's inner peace that I need, a sense of security, and maybe learning to respect the people I imagine to be my antagonists.

I barely slept prior to my shift today. I had time to sleep, I just spent most of it crying. For the first time, my bamboo cotton pillow cases got a taste of my bitter tears.

I was also pretty sure my new neighbors heard me sobbing.

Nothing really happened, I just...broke down. I failed to internalize my action steps to better mental health. It must have come to a point where all the feelings I've repressed come floating to the surface, all at once, emerging as tears.

I failed to do the following:

Triggers are ever important to recognize. But sometimes it's just oh so tempting to cross the line. I'm not a diabetic, but, I can compare it to a diabetic person craving sugar. Oh, especially when my obsessive, inquisitive thoughts come rolling in.

When I was somebody's side chick, I had an unhealthy obsession of checking out my rival's social media. I am very much in the same situation right now, except it's the mother of his two kids. Plus, I got kids to obsess on, too.

It's absolutely painful, it's a thousand cuts being inflicted on me ever so slightly day by day. It just goes deeper and deeper. Wound after wound.

I have thought about just ending all of this and resuming my life as a happy surfer.

It must be unfair to him because he didn't do anything wrong — well, except for not fucking telling me about it until two months and beyond into our relationship.

Bitterness leaves a lasting, unpleasant after taste. Sometimes a swollen pair of tired eyes and wet pillows.

I just want to sleep peacefully. I thought expensive sheets would take care of that, but I guess I'm wrong.

It's inner peace that I need, a sense of security, and maybe learning to respect the people I imagine to be my antagonists. I'm being a lot like Sisyphus in this situation. I need a different strategy.

I'll see how I can work out the respect and acceptance thing. For the record, I became friends with my ex-lover's wife. I'm not saying I'm gonna be friends with BM, but I must change my image of her and find a healthier mindset for this situation.

It's not like I can completely shun them out of my life. I'm bound to see them, at a funeral at least.

Ok, back to work.