bleak and pretty

through the creases of a wonderful mind. city worker on the graveyard shift. writer@happyhippythoughts.xyz | https://sayat.me/moshimia

you lose your creativity and become a sell-out. you are reduced to corporation property. price tags — pay slips that you get every month — determine your worth as an individual.

lately, at work, it feels like there's nothing else to give. as if i can't design yet another business card. like an empty lemon that's been squeezed over and over.

i'm at the edge of my seat and i'm about to fall, and crack into a hundred pieces on the floor.

it rained tonight. the heavens poured while i was on my way to work. my heart sank as i stepped into flood waters of piss, shit, garbage, and whatnot. if metro manila wasn't steaming in heat thanks to smoke belching vehicles, it's dirty-wet. absolutely disgusting wasteland.

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today, i learned about professor jordan peterson and the amazing word that he spreads in his lectures.

since i graduated from university, i've barely had chances to engage in sophisticated, academic, mentally stimulating discourses. in the above link, he talks about the modern dilemma that men face today.

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another day at the production floor is done. i'm spending the last few minutes listening to sticky fingers' “delete” and typing this post. all-too-familiar feelings of exhaustion (and a tired back) fill me. i'm happy that i'll be walking out of this building, through piss-smelling streets, to my half-decent studio apartment.

to my lover, my man, this i guy i consider my husband.

we still have about three weeks together. then it's a long distance relationship all over again, more torturous solitude and loneliness for me. i am quite prepared. after all, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and as a couple, we do need some time away from each other.

i myself have been craving “introvert moments” where i could actually just read a book all day or start a new hobby, design graphics, try calligraphy and lettering all over again.

or just watch porn.

i'm planning to visit my mom and bring him with me on mother's day. i hope they get along well.

also, my period is due in about three days. i am trying not to take a pregnancy test right now. i'll wait a week until my period's due, if it hasn't come yet.

i really want to get pregnant.

clocks out

Talking to the devil Photo by Catherine from Pexels / Text by Sappy Alternatives

i don't want to just shut up and say that past is past. i want it to burn. i want fire to consume me, take me, swim in a lake of fire; come out purified, obsolete, exhausted, nearly dead, so that there's nothing else to feel.

no more questions to ask. no more faces to see.

i want to be in the end, so i can start a beginning.

i realize that i've been dealing with the same puzzle piece-shit for four months now. at this point, i'm just tired.

what made it utterly exhausting was getting bits and crumbles along the way — scattered for the good of a quarter year — left with more questions than before the interrogation.

do your kids use your last name? did you have a clean break up did you ever try to build a family? what kind of relationship are you sustaining with your ex? when did you separate? why?

i was picking on old wounds, yes, but i had to know. you couldn't just inform someone that you had multiple kids from a previous relationship and not make them understand, especially if this “them” is emotionally attached to you, planning a future with you, and is also swimming in a pool of insecurities.

i want to be better than your past. i want you to love me more. i want you to give me something that you never gave her, something nobody else could have. you guys have been through many things – lived together and created a child – and i can't help but feel like a second-rated nothing compared to all that.

i feel like i have less.

anyway, i find it funny that i'm letting some event in your life about a decade ago deflate my self-esteem.

i am going to rise against all of that. jealousy is simply a by-product of insecurity. i will focus on what's good about me and our relationship. by then, i wouldn't have to feel that i'm only holding a secondhand heart.

i want to feel the agony caused by things i missed and never could have. and maybe in this agony, in this pain, i find myself drenched in flammable tears and once and for all, burn into ashes.

yesterday morning, i was in good spirits and feeling like a happy little seed. all smiles, cheery steps. a little past noon, i found myself in a rage that caused me to twist and hyperventilate. i needed a release — i cut myself. i took a trusty razor blade and cut myself. i cried afterwards. it was a much needed cry.

i would've done more if there wasn't someone in the room with me.

let's say that somewhere between these events, i started a difficult conversation, confronting my anxieties and insecurities. i thought i was okay and stable enough to unravel these ugly parts. but...i guess i was wrong. maybe some parts of my mind are better untouched.

i guess whatever my state of living is, there's bound to be some sort of difficulty.

and yet, i knew that there was a need to address these issues. i coudn't just sleep on them forever. they lurk in the background, shadowing every hesitation, reluctance, and decision that i make.

i must face my fears.

i must befriend my monsters until they no longer scare me.

Photo by Suzana Duljic from Pexels Photo by Suzana Duljic from Pexels

some choose to hide and ignore, make themselves busy, find some excuse, or say some hippy shit like, “think happy thoughts, the energy in your mind is your ultimate reality.” some people drink alcohol to oblivion, get high, or just watch a movie while their girlfriend is hyperventilating and cutting herself.

being in a “serious” relationship has its pains. being single and “playing it safe” can cause madness. just “being happy and playing around” has dangers. seclusion and isolation sounds fun until you itch to hook up again.

i guess whatever my state of living is, there's bound to be some sort of difficulty. maybe i'm emotionally-challenged, or i just don't function normally (i.e. consistently stable). intrusive, negative, and harmful thoughts/ideas/actions don't function in my system like they're supposed to in a normal being. sometimes i drown in sorrow, quite willingly, in the sense that i tend to sink deeper than to help pull myself up. and then i die, and again, and again, and again.

it's exhausting. recently i figured out that 6 months ago, i was posting nudes for thousands to see. just six short months after that i decide that i want to become a mother. it wouldn't be wrong to say that my life is going just about as fast as a bullet train, but it's taking unexpected turns that sometimes i myself have a hard time following through the course of my life.

like, mia, wtf, what did you do again.

i have a weird habit of building bridges only to burn them, while crying about it.

sometimes i push people away. the more they try to pull me back, the more i push and distance myself. i don't know, maybe i'm trying to pull them into my own misery. or maybe i just want to feel that even when i hate myself the most, when i can't even stand myself, i still got others who want me. who are willing to wait and see myself become happy again.

but most of the time, it ends in goodbyes and friends that i never see again.

and then i try to find comfort in solitude, in the cold loneliness. just try to hide in my little hole, never to be seen again. maybe not until the day that i'm all smiles again. when the dopamine has surged, coming back like the first few waves of the season.

right now i could really use a vacation. i wanna go somewhere alone. maybe i just wanna be alone. i wanna feel safe. untouchable. like nobody can hurt me.

(i have bipolar 2.)

been looking at reddit for divorce posts and stuff. this one is a gem. i am currently lurking in the comments section.

so how's it going for me? i've been in the normal zone for a few days, baby! boy i am so glad. i just perform my daily functions and complain about the super hot weather in the afternoon. stable is a little boring, but the lack of anxiety/depression makes life a lot livable.

so yeah, here is where i can take a deep breath and really say that i am fine.

i am so okay, i'm planning on putting my life on trello and get everything organized.

well, nothing's changed about my life. i still think about his kids from time to time, i'm still estranged from my own dad, i still have this 9-5 job, i still have the same issues, i'm still not pregnant and married (yet!), and i still live in the same house.

but my brain is actually functioning as it should!

i am excited to enter this “normal phase” and hopefully come up with good ideas and action plans. really gonna organize my life now.

this is it!

a post about other stuff “i'm on.”

i've been getting plenty of sleep. kinda like, i just want to turn my back and sleep on everything, then watch joel kim booster from time to time.

yesterday, i snuggled up with my SO and watched videos about tiny houses. it all started with this new zealand documentary on the mahana. he got all the marijuana cues there.

at work, i've been reading many things (besides reddit). i read about megan bannister, the woman behind the film candy.

i've also been trying to revisit my high school days by looking up fall out boy. somehow, listening to the music i loved when i was 13 makes me feel younger, provides an escape to my innocent days.

“infertility” is also among my top searches. i read an article on infertility awareness, plus a bunch of other stuff i'm no longer linking here.

i've also got in my head an idea for my very own surf brand and here's a facebook page of it. there's nothing on the page yet, but i would probably add soon. i have designed logo variations. what's next is probably some merch and other items i might be interested in selling. it's in the very first stages as of yet. but i've been looking for suppliers at alibaba.com and just making a decision as to when will i be placing orders and launching a retail business.

i also wrote an anonymous post, which recollects my substance use. Not posting this on Sappy Alternatives because, um, I don't know, haha.

so, yeah, i'm not all about worrying about children from previous relationships and obsessing about conceiving a child. i am a three-dimensional human being, too, with a lot of other stuff on my plate. earlier today, i just thought about re-arranging my apartment space. and probably finishing my registration on an academic research website.

but, yeah, for right now, i just want to sleep, write, go to work, get pregnant, and stop worrying about shit.

the past month has been absolutely exhausting. i got company in my apartment – not necessarily a very nice thing – bringing laughter, tears, frustration, and moments of bliss.

the last time i lived with someone was about two years ago.

loneliness was cold but comforting. i could have really lazy days and not take a bath during the weekends. i skipped meals and lost weight. but now i got someone taking care of me and making sure i'm fed, clean, and sane. no more moping around and just letting go, drowning in existential crisis and falling into the abyss, the emotions and feelings that eat me alive from the inside.

i also miss doing solitary yoga on my apartment floor. being all alone and connected to nothing but my body.

i still got about a month left to spend with him. i am definitely happy about having him around, although it means that stress levels are on an all time high. i feel safe when i'm with him. cuddling to sleep is great, even though we are in the middle of summer heat.

there are moments when, i gotta be honest, i feel guilty about taking him here to the city where there's no sea and sand.

it is fucking miserable here in this concrete garbage wasteland. i am absolutely not happy when i go to work and smell piss in the streets. but i have no choice but to stay here for the meantime, because the high paying job is here, and i need a high paying job (money) so we can build a small hut and start a new life with enough safety cash.

i just want to be alone for days, watch stand up comedy, and regain my curiosity and vigor for life. i want to feel what it's like to be living, exploring, and travelling — not just plainly existing.

i'm not gonna be like him who's 37 and lives with his mom and can't afford to have his own board shaped. yes, he's a happy beach bum who's got happiness, freedom, and liberty, but he got no career, no money, no insurance. in some way it is admirable — how he chose to follow his heart, be free, and live his wild dreams while the rest of us are doing a 9-5. but then it's sad to know that he failed his parenthood and pretty much most of his adulthood, thanks to drugs and too much freedom.

there's two sides to the coin, yes, and thank you very much but i'm happy grinding here in the city instead of living in a sinful island paradise and making babies that i couldn't properly raise.

did he have fun? oh yes he said he did. now he's at this point of his life where he's ready to “make things right” and “get serious”. no more drugs, no more alcohol parties, and maybe no more abandoning children in the future.

like turn his life around.

Photo by Irina Iriser from Pexels Photo by Irina Iriser from Pexels

i got moments where i try to see him again like i did on the first day we met. but, you just can't. after you learn about a person's dark side, hear about their life-altering decisions, get disappointed by them, realize that they, too, are human and not just a hot body with a pretty face — you just never see them the same way again. this either brings you closer (fitting together through each other's cracks) or throws the relationship away (you couldn't handle the shit they got.)

i am really, really tired, like i just want to be alone for days, watch stand up comedy, and regain my curiosity and vigor for life. i want to feel what it's like to be living, exploring, and travelling — not just plainly existing. and for my relationship, i want to feel what it's like to celebrate life and share it with another person.

i am so done with the “tell me all your hurtful shit now so i know what i'm dealing with” and the “push all my buttons now so you know what causes my meltdowns”. i just wanna go past all that, like, if this relationship were a pair of shoes, i just want to finally break in and start a happy, long walk! i wanna be done with all the sobbing and fighting just to see how much of each other we can tolerate.

then we can say that these cracks, which we've caused and found in each other, allow us to better fit together.

i'm stuck in the middle of an ocean and just don't know where to go. it sucks to be 24 years old and “have my whole life ahead of me”. i got money, time, and energy to do stuff, but just because i planned it and wanted it to happen, doesn't mean that it is going to happen. especially true if there's other people in the equation. people are fickle, unreliable, malleable beings. i've become like that myself.

i guess broken dreams spread like zombie virus. you get your hopes up, and then you go about infecting other people when your hopes turn into nothing. there isn't a cure for this. when you lose your soul you just walk like a dead person all through your life.

Photo by Oliver Sjöström from Pexels Photo by Oliver Sjöström from Pexels

i didn't realize that the decision to start a family of my own causes about the same amount of anxiety as being conflicted about whether to have a husband and kid/s to begin with. the “ttc waiting game” is a hell on its own. am i gonna get pregnant this month? just when you feel you've got pregnancy symptoms, your period comes. then you gotta wait a month for your next fertile window. and when it finally comes, you got a partner who won't have sex with you for shitty reasons. then you're not sure about your period again. am i gonna get pregnant this month? we didn't do it right so probably no. then you remember that he got two women “accidentally” pregnant before. now it feels like you've got a cursed uterus. life is being such a big bitch to you. it won't even let you become a parent.

it hurts. i didn't realize that trying to make a baby is going to be heartbreaking.

i fucking waited for my fertile window for nothing. somehow it feels like he doesn't fully want this. how can i be with someone who's not all the way with me? someone who “doesn't want to rush” things. someone who would i guess rather play all day than actually live like an adult.

maybe he's just not family or dad material. i should have known. and i have the evidence right in front of me. he's not involved with his kids' life and just wants to forget about them. that alone sort of breaks my heart.

my own father severed our ties a few days ago. he said he doesn't want to hear from me again, ever. i haven't felt him as a parent since my teenage years anyway. but now i feel like i have lost the father i never had.

it doesn't matter anymore, really. to hell with my daddy issues. i have a lot of other issues to handle. here's what i can recall off the top of my head:

  • relationship insecurities
  • body image issues / self-esteem
  • my poor surfing abilities
  • family problems
  • my bipolar fucking disorder / mental health
  • possible infertility
  • my bisexuality
  • income-earning / job satisfaction

i don't wanna think about all this anymore, really, kind of like i just wanna laugh on and think that my life is a big joke.

for now, at least i'm starting to care less about him. i'm starting to care less about everything in general. maybe peace is coming. maybe peace is simply not giving a fuck. and just letting everything happen...except i can't have a fetus in my womb just because i didn't care enough.

still in the middle of an ocean. just floating around. i'm gonna have sleep for lunch and masturbate.

Photo by Daniel Spase from Pexels Photo by Daniel Spase from Pexels / Graphic Design by Sappy Alternatives

these past few days i've only been getting sleep for lunch (at work). my sex drive is through the roof + i just want to sleep all day. yeah, that's right – just sleep and fuck. i used to do that a lot back when i still used marijuana. i wish i had some right now, or that i was still smoking. but maybe i just really want to sleep all day long and get a new sex toy.

maybe a vibrating dildo.

i am happy that my anxiety is over. i don't really think about the situation with his kids anymore. i did ask him if he was even planning to introduce me to them. he was like, nah, i don't want to interfere with their lives anymore. can we just forget about it?

okay, let's just forget that you have two kids with this woman who lives about a half hour's drive from your place. fine. i'll just get sleep and have orgasms all day long.

so, yeah, i'm resting my case. i am so exhausted about being consumed by this whole “blended family” thing, like we even have a family to begin with. i guess i should just shut up about his ex-family. i've turned off my public commenting on facebook by the way, to avoid any harassment in the future.

like i even care about harassment anymore. i'm so fucked already.

and i'm so light-skinned now. i used to be sun-tanned pretty much all the time, but now, i look a little...korean.

i won't be surfing anytime soon. probably this july and/or august i'll go. take a week off work to go surfing.

i still have my fingers crossed about conceiving a child. been trying since feb. it's april now. i've started to browse r/infertility and prepare for the worst.

i guess the greatest insult in my life would be the fact that he got two women pregnant but couldn't have a child with me. because we don't deserve kids. because i was a long-time slut and he abandoned three poor kids.

when you realize that fate doesn't have much in stock, a good option is to just get extended sleep. be a beach bum. write stuff. exist like a worm. work out for a six pack. surf till you get burned.

for now it's just sleep.