jealousy is simply a by-product of insecurity

Talking to the devil Photo by Catherine from Pexels / Text by Sappy Alternatives

i don't want to just shut up and say that past is past. i want it to burn. i want fire to consume me, take me, swim in a lake of fire; come out purified, obsolete, exhausted, nearly dead, so that there's nothing else to feel.

no more questions to ask. no more faces to see.

i want to be in the end, so i can start a beginning.

i realize that i've been dealing with the same puzzle piece-shit for four months now. at this point, i'm just tired.

what made it utterly exhausting was getting bits and crumbles along the way — scattered for the good of a quarter year — left with more questions than before the interrogation.

do your kids use your last name? did you have a clean break up did you ever try to build a family? what kind of relationship are you sustaining with your ex? when did you separate? why?

i was picking on old wounds, yes, but i had to know. you couldn't just inform someone that you had multiple kids from a previous relationship and not make them understand, especially if this “them” is emotionally attached to you, planning a future with you, and is also swimming in a pool of insecurities.

i want to be better than your past. i want you to love me more. i want you to give me something that you never gave her, something nobody else could have. you guys have been through many things – lived together and created a child – and i can't help but feel like a second-rated nothing compared to all that.

i feel like i have less.

anyway, i find it funny that i'm letting some event in your life about a decade ago deflate my self-esteem.

i am going to rise against all of that. jealousy is simply a by-product of insecurity. i will focus on what's good about me and our relationship. by then, i wouldn't have to feel that i'm only holding a secondhand heart.

i want to feel the agony caused by things i missed and never could have. and maybe in this agony, in this pain, i find myself drenched in flammable tears and once and for all, burn into ashes.