bleak and pretty

From a confused twenty-somethings who grew up watching Disney.

#insights #marriage #relationships #march2019

Yesterday, I came across a gilded /askreddit post about the unspoken rules of a successful marriage.

Reading through the comments section, I developed a more nuanced understanding of marriage. There's more to getting married than changing your civil status for the sake of legitimizing births, managing sexual liaisons, and sanctioning marital relationships.

At the heart of marriage is partnership. You're no longer “just yourself” when you join this institution...you become a part of a supposedly indestructible duo.

Love isn't a necessary ingredient, but trust and respect are. Above all else, you have to be there for each other, well, for the sake of being there for each other.

Marriage is all about commitment, whether you're headed to the gates of hell or to the gardens of heaven.

“Before I could become someone's wife, I was a mistress; it was my first intimate glance at married life”

I once hooked up and kept a secret relationship with a young, married man. We had a short summer affair with marijuana, cigarettes, and raw sex on a dirty mattress. Certainly not something to be proud of. It was four years ago.

Nevertheless, I consider this a relevant learning experience. I was able to see marriage from a different angle – that of a “homewrecker” – and understood how strong the power of commitment could be, in the face of tragedy, hurt, and disloyalty.

Because they were married, parting ways was not just an option. Sure, their marriage had terrible cracks, resulting from communication gaps, lack of intimacy, and failure to set healthy boundaries. I was there to see it all. I was there to listen to all his pains and complaints about his married life.

“We got married to prove to everyone that nothing could ever separate us.” – M

I loved him dearly and felt privileged to share his intimacy...but there was a certain privilege that only his wife could enjoy — his interminable commitment.

At the end of the day, he belonged to her. Regardless of how unstable their relationship was...they were inseparable.

And that's what marriage is supposed to be...an irrevocable contract to stay together, through thick and thin, for better or for worse.

How could two individuals, bound to change their personalities, tastes, viewpoints, and goals throughout their lifetimes, manage to do that?

It's where the “unspoken rules of marriage” come in.

What Disney movies never show you

Turns out, the knight-in-shining-armor isn't really a prince — he might not even be the sharpest tool in the shed. You can hate the way he's cycnical and paranoid about the smallset things — so you sometimes resort to silence and “calling at a day.”

When he loses all his hair, you're pretty sure that he won't look as attractive (because you have a hair fetish) but you're still going to be nice to him and make sure you've got plenty of surprise hugs and kisses.

Because he's your person. He might be imperfect, plain stupid, useless, and annoying some of the time...but he's still your person. And you gotta stick with your person.

It won't be a happily ever after; it's just gonna be just a regular day after day...except you gotta live it now with someone, and you have to endure their shit like it's yours, because marriage makes it so.

Bottomline: Is marriage it worth it?

Theoretically, we can stay in love with a person and treat them with respect and care for the rest of our lives, without running the risk of committing to a person who might eventually make our lives a living hell. But it's the act of understanding and choosing to live with this risk that makes marriage special in its own absurd way.

People change, situations turn from sweet to sour, and hard times come. It takes a huge leap of faith. It is the ultimate test of how far can your integrity and dignity stand.

We can see marriage as a garden with thorny roses, or we can choose to see it as a nice and soft vegetable garden that just needs a lot of loving and tending for it to bear fruit.

I go for the latter — I'm all for the team work, kindness, camaraderie, and sharing a happy life together. When done the right way, I think marriage can be one of the coolest things to get yourself into. There's nothing like the warmth of a safety blanket that this offers.

The promise that someone's gonna be there for you, always, through thick and thin, is precious and sacred in this messy, messy world. It's definitely worth it — as long as you give it your best, stay patient, and always try to see the best in things.

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