#bipolardiaries #storytime #personal #march2019

24 years old, single, wanna have a child

All my adolescent life, I've avoided pregnancy. My maternal instincts kicked in just a couple months ago.

After a bit of decision-making, I had sex for baby-making purposes for the first time. I obsessively lurked around r/BabyBumps/ and even took 2 weeks off of work for this.

A month later, all I got was a disappointing negative pregnancy test.

What makes it even more frustrating is the fact that he has a child by another woman. Why has it been so easy for him to accidentally impregnate but not have a deliberately planned child with me? Why?

I've already swallowed this ultra bitter pill, the fact that I can't be the one to give him his first child. It hurts in so many ways whenever I think of it. It stings.

I do not wish to dwell on that part of his past because it's unproductive and only brings unnecessary stress. I'm not trying to “make things even” by also having a child with him; I want to have a child because I want to love as a mother and care for a little bundle of joy and feel that special kind of affection.

And yet it feels like I'm gonna get another negative this end of March. I'm ready to pull all my hair out.

Working at a #callcenter, sleep deprived, #working at night

Ranting about my job won't do any good. This pays the bills and allows me to enjoy a life of freedom. I should love it, own it, and do everything except hate it.

But at this point I am really just so fed up. I am a little burnt out. I am fucking tired. I want to write for a living, expand myself as a writer, but the fact that I have to sit in an office and do non-writing related work doesn't bring me closer to my career goals.

I have to. I need the money that comes from this. There's really no other job for me that pays as much. I have to stick to this and just keep all the benefits in mind. Now is not a good time to submit a resignation letter and go back to square one. I've gone so far.

Want to #surf but currently residing in a #concretejungle

I want to leave the city for good. I am tired of the pollution, congested traffic, and pieces of shit that I see on the road everyday.

I can settle down with my SO, who comes from a seaside community, or I can just go on my own if things don't work out for us. But before I could move out, I need a lot of money and a backup job.

It's not like I can run off with my SO...no. He can't feed me. I have to work my shit job, save money, and then work some more.

Living alone, currently in a #relationship with an overprotective man

I used to surf every weekend. Since I met my SO, I couldn't do that anymore. He wasn't comfortable with letting me swim in shark-infested waters, without him by my side.

What I really mean is that he wouldn't let me go to another beach alone, somewhere nearer and affordable, lest I end up hooking up with other people.

I find this absurd and suffocating, but unfortunately no amount of talking has made me convince him otherwise.

So I just have to suck up the fact that I can no longer surf on my own. It makes me furious thinking about it and typing it now. I used to solo travel, a lot, and now I can't really go out unless I have his permission.

I want to rant about this some more, because it's so unfair that he's able to go to places with his friends and all. Whereas I have to be stuck. It just makes me feel so angry.

Seriously.

So what am I doing about it? For the moment, I'm just sucking it up. Surfing is my ultimate love – unfortunately I'm 500 miles away from my board (which I've left in his town). It's heartbreaking.

How I feel right now about surfing is that, we're two lovers torn apart, me and the ocean — my greatest love — can't be together. Isn't it stupid that my relationship with a surfer has caused me to lose my relationship with surfing?

I'm almost crying now. Really. It feels like all life has been drained out of me. This compromise hurts. I can't believe that I'm trading the greatest happiness of my life just to keep a relationship with a man. Ugh that sounds so desperate!

I guess we can't have everything.

For now, I have to suck it up, again, I guess I'll just turn away and try not to look back, until there comes a moment when I can be with the ocean again, with the supervision of my overprotective SO.

Literally, now I just wanna say fuck him.

He won't allow me to surf, he won't get me pregnant, and now I'm wondering what's even keeping our relationship together. It amuses me how I can have too much hope and dreams but no results in my hands. It's absurd.

I love him and it's testing my patience.

A compromise shows that you have a common goal in mind: a healthy partnership, rather than your own singular happiness at heart. – Elitedaily

If a healthy partnership, giving him peace of mind, means that I can't go on trips alone — where I might accidentally get drunk and have sex with everyone — then I must be ready for endless weeping in my apartment.

Takeaways

Life is...well, just being itself – a cruel bitch.

It feels good to admit that I am in fact dealing with so many of life's un-pleasantries. Did writing this give me some clarity? Yes.

I tell myself:

• You can't have everything, but you can have something
• You can't just quit
• You have to make sacrifices in order to make other people happy
• You have to be patient; some plans take time
• You need sleep and proper rest.
• There's always beauty within; you don't always have to look outside for happiness.

I anticipate being jealous again when my man is back surfing, and I'll be stuck alone in my apartment. Hopefully, I'm pregnant when he leaves.

Plan B

Otherwise....I don't know, I guess I'll just read and write and immerse myself with words. Maybe find a new hobby, get serious with calligraphy or something.

I have to stay away from surfing for the meantime. The more I think about my lost love, the more it stings. It's hard to keep wanting something that you can't have constantly, or as you want it.

I'll do anything good, be kind, all except sex and drugs. I want to believe that I'm done with hookup and drug culture.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present. – Marcus Aurelius

#march2019 #features #philosophy #stopcomplaining

A trip out of town with my significant other revealed each other's some sour, some sweet traits. For the most part it was bliss. We had disagreements and arguments along the way, but I guess it's only common in real relationships.

Some scenarios called me to lecture about some facts of general existence.

My SO, I must painfully admit, was not the sharpest in the Philosophy Department.

Life is not fair

I must start with a cliche that we fail to fully digest.

If you're expecting to always get your money's worth, and that vendors will always give you a bang for your buck, you're going to end up disappointed, sweetheart. We can't buy street-side strawberry shakes and expect them to have the same richness of a homemade treat. Learn to fucking settle for less when it comes to things like this.

Sometimes, you acquire more than your money's worth, too. We got awesome clothes from a thrift store at unbelievable prices, thanks to luck and haggling skills. Unfortunately, we can't haggle our way through life.

Basically, what you give is not always what you get. You need to be at peace with it and stop keeping a mental weighing scale in your head. Just enjoy what you have for the day and hope for the best!

Little expectations, less disappointment

If you want to truly open your eyes to the wonder of the moment, learn to close your eyes first.

“I was expecting that there was gonna be more trees around here.”

I did remember telling him explicitly that we were visiting a city located in a mountainous region, and that over the past decade, much tree cutting had been done.

Coming from a more rural setting, he was disappointed at how different the place was from his actual expectations. He thought there was gonna be hiking and going into the woods like some scenes in Twilight.

Um, sorry, we're staying in the heart of a city. Also, we don't have a car service to drive us to some secluded wooden area that's basically dangerous for tourists.

I want to believe that, as the trip planner and host, I have given him a good time by taking him out in the first place. Sadly, some people just can't be happy due to the fact that they're even existing and breathing air in a safe place.

Just because you found a “catch” doesn't mean you have to get it

You don't always need something more.

We live in the tropics. The temperature doesn't go below 15 degC. If you want to feel warm during the coldest weather, all you need is a shirt and a pair of long sleeves, or even a soft jacket.

You don't need an insulated, wool-lined jacket even if it's 90% off the brand new price. You just don't. Especially when we have spent beyond our expected budget.

And just because it's a popular brand, doesn't mean you have to buy it.

But if it's your money, go spend it however you like. If you want to follow a certain trend or way of spending money, follow your heart's desires.

Brand popularity doesn't necessarily equate to high quality and good style.

And one more thing about personal style — just because I surf doesn't mean I have to wear (awful) surf brands.

For heaven's sake, I surf because I love being in the water and getting pounded by waves.

No, dressing like a surfer doesn't qualify me as one. Catching head-high waves does. And I don't even complain about my wipe-outs to rides ratio (okay, I might be frustrated sometimes!) because I now understand that surfing is just all about being in the moment.

Lastly, all you have to do is to be thankful sometimes.

Stop complaining that the pasta is missing one auxiliary ingredient. That the milkshake has too few strawberries. That it's not as woody and cool as you expected. Just be thankful that we're making good memories together, and that I'm paying for everything.

Now all you gotta do is take my hand, smile, stroll, and allow yourself to be mesmerized and surprised.

The more you focus on the fine, inessential details, the less you see the big picture.

Just keep calm and live in the moment. Chill.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.

What I ought to write next:

• What surfing means to me
• Thoughts on fashion, from my minimalist perspective
• My significant other called me an “evil bitch”

#insights #marriage #relationships #march2019

Yesterday, I came across a gilded /askreddit post about the unspoken rules of a successful marriage.

Reading through the comments section, I developed a more nuanced understanding of marriage. There's more to getting married than changing your civil status for the sake of legitimizing births, managing sexual liaisons, and sanctioning marital relationships.

At the heart of marriage is partnership. You're no longer “just yourself” when you join this institution...you become a part of a supposedly indestructible duo.

Love isn't a necessary ingredient, but trust and respect are. Above all else, you have to be there for each other, well, for the sake of being there for each other.

Marriage is all about commitment, whether you're headed to the gates of hell or to the gardens of heaven.

“Before I could become someone's wife, I was a mistress; it was my first intimate glance at married life”

I once hooked up and kept a secret relationship with a young, married man. We had a short summer affair with marijuana, cigarettes, and raw sex on a dirty mattress. Certainly not something to be proud of. It was four years ago.

Nevertheless, I consider this a relevant learning experience. I was able to see marriage from a different angle – that of a “homewrecker” – and understood how strong the power of commitment could be, in the face of tragedy, hurt, and disloyalty.

Because they were married, parting ways was not just an option. Sure, their marriage had terrible cracks, resulting from communication gaps, lack of intimacy, and failure to set healthy boundaries. I was there to see it all. I was there to listen to all his pains and complaints about his married life.

“We got married to prove to everyone that nothing could ever separate us.” – M

I loved him dearly and felt privileged to share his intimacy...but there was a certain privilege that only his wife could enjoy — his interminable commitment.

At the end of the day, he belonged to her. Regardless of how unstable their relationship was...they were inseparable.

And that's what marriage is supposed to be...an irrevocable contract to stay together, through thick and thin, for better or for worse.

How could two individuals, bound to change their personalities, tastes, viewpoints, and goals throughout their lifetimes, manage to do that?

It's where the “unspoken rules of marriage” come in.

What Disney movies never show you

Turns out, the knight-in-shining-armor isn't really a prince — he might not even be the sharpest tool in the shed. You can hate the way he's cycnical and paranoid about the smallset things — so you sometimes resort to silence and “calling at a day.”

When he loses all his hair, you're pretty sure that he won't look as attractive (because you have a hair fetish) but you're still going to be nice to him and make sure you've got plenty of surprise hugs and kisses.

Because he's your person. He might be imperfect, plain stupid, useless, and annoying some of the time...but he's still your person. And you gotta stick with your person.

It won't be a happily ever after; it's just gonna be just a regular day after day...except you gotta live it now with someone, and you have to endure their shit like it's yours, because marriage makes it so.

Bottomline: Is marriage it worth it?

Theoretically, we can stay in love with a person and treat them with respect and care for the rest of our lives, without running the risk of committing to a person who might eventually make our lives a living hell. But it's the act of understanding and choosing to live with this risk that makes marriage special in its own absurd way.

People change, situations turn from sweet to sour, and hard times come. It takes a huge leap of faith. It is the ultimate test of how far can your integrity and dignity stand.

We can see marriage as a garden with thorny roses, or we can choose to see it as a nice and soft vegetable garden that just needs a lot of loving and tending for it to bear fruit.

I go for the latter — I'm all for the team work, kindness, camaraderie, and sharing a happy life together. When done the right way, I think marriage can be one of the coolest things to get yourself into. There's nothing like the warmth of a safety blanket that this offers.

The promise that someone's gonna be there for you, always, through thick and thin, is precious and sacred in this messy, messy world. It's definitely worth it — as long as you give it your best, stay patient, and always try to see the best in things.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.