Looming depression is not just in the mind. You feel it. It comes with a heavy chest, poor posture (weak muscles), slow hands, and blunt concentration. It's hard to smile.

You find no joy in life. Everything, even getting up from bed, feels like a chore. But you try nevertheless. Try not to let others see through the ordeal. You try to act normal and hide it. Life suddenly feels scripted.

The thoughts that come with it are just half of the torture. Think about every single beautiful thing you've planned. Now imagine all of these falling apart. You're suddenly in the worst case scenario – except it's all in your head, but it just feels so real.

Then you start seeing awful things in people, probably push them away, too. Suddenly you don't even care about talking. You just kind of want to block everything. Your irritability peaks. All jokes are suddenly offensive. Everyone is saying the wrong things.

He hates this city. He doesn't really want to stay with me. I'll never have a family of my own, or I'll get pregnant and then he'll leave me alone. He won't marry me when I ask him. It will all be a ruined fairy tale. There isn't going to be a happy ending.

My greatest fear is that all the plans I've set on full gear won't happen at all, and that I'll be back to square one. I feel scared.

But I'm not panicking because I've started over many, many times before. I've been alone, cold, and empty many times before. I've bled. I've been in pain. And each time that happens, the bleakness passes, and brighter days come.

There's always a happy day lying ahead, though it might not be in the same place and same way, and it might be with different people.

Insecurities that don't just fade away

I feel so anxious about my relationship. I don't feel the security of a healthy partnership, and somehow, the looming depression makes it worse.

It feels like he can always leave me. On the other hand, if I attempt to do everything to make him stay, it would mean trading my personal freedom. He's controlling.

I'm trying to feel where the boundaries lie. How much I can tolerate. How much would seem acceptable for me.

Days under sunshine and beneath crashing waves seem so far away.

He's lucky because he can do whatever he wants.

Hiatus

I'm planning to live in a cocoon for a couple months or so. I'm planning to strip everything away from my life except for my job and daily survival. I will take a closer look at my relationship with myself.

It feels like my baby is never gonna happen.

#bipolardiaries #storytime #personal #march2019

24 years old, single, wanna have a child

All my adolescent life, I've avoided pregnancy. My maternal instincts kicked in just a couple months ago.

After a bit of decision-making, I had sex for baby-making purposes for the first time. I obsessively lurked around r/BabyBumps/ and even took 2 weeks off of work for this.

A month later, all I got was a disappointing negative pregnancy test.

What makes it even more frustrating is the fact that he has a child by another woman. Why has it been so easy for him to accidentally impregnate but not have a deliberately planned child with me? Why?

I've already swallowed this ultra bitter pill, the fact that I can't be the one to give him his first child. It hurts in so many ways whenever I think of it. It stings.

I do not wish to dwell on that part of his past because it's unproductive and only brings unnecessary stress. I'm not trying to “make things even” by also having a child with him; I want to have a child because I want to love as a mother and care for a little bundle of joy and feel that special kind of affection.

And yet it feels like I'm gonna get another negative this end of March. I'm ready to pull all my hair out.

Working at a #callcenter, sleep deprived, #working at night

Ranting about my job won't do any good. This pays the bills and allows me to enjoy a life of freedom. I should love it, own it, and do everything except hate it.

But at this point I am really just so fed up. I am a little burnt out. I am fucking tired. I want to write for a living, expand myself as a writer, but the fact that I have to sit in an office and do non-writing related work doesn't bring me closer to my career goals.

I have to. I need the money that comes from this. There's really no other job for me that pays as much. I have to stick to this and just keep all the benefits in mind. Now is not a good time to submit a resignation letter and go back to square one. I've gone so far.

Want to #surf but currently residing in a #concretejungle

I want to leave the city for good. I am tired of the pollution, congested traffic, and pieces of shit that I see on the road everyday.

I can settle down with my SO, who comes from a seaside community, or I can just go on my own if things don't work out for us. But before I could move out, I need a lot of money and a backup job.

It's not like I can run off with my SO...no. He can't feed me. I have to work my shit job, save money, and then work some more.

Living alone, currently in a #relationship with an overprotective man

I used to surf every weekend. Since I met my SO, I couldn't do that anymore. He wasn't comfortable with letting me swim in shark-infested waters, without him by my side.

What I really mean is that he wouldn't let me go to another beach alone, somewhere nearer and affordable, lest I end up hooking up with other people.

I find this absurd and suffocating, but unfortunately no amount of talking has made me convince him otherwise.

So I just have to suck up the fact that I can no longer surf on my own. It makes me furious thinking about it and typing it now. I used to solo travel, a lot, and now I can't really go out unless I have his permission.

I want to rant about this some more, because it's so unfair that he's able to go to places with his friends and all. Whereas I have to be stuck. It just makes me feel so angry.

Seriously.

So what am I doing about it? For the moment, I'm just sucking it up. Surfing is my ultimate love – unfortunately I'm 500 miles away from my board (which I've left in his town). It's heartbreaking.

How I feel right now about surfing is that, we're two lovers torn apart, me and the ocean — my greatest love — can't be together. Isn't it stupid that my relationship with a surfer has caused me to lose my relationship with surfing?

I'm almost crying now. Really. It feels like all life has been drained out of me. This compromise hurts. I can't believe that I'm trading the greatest happiness of my life just to keep a relationship with a man. Ugh that sounds so desperate!

I guess we can't have everything.

For now, I have to suck it up, again, I guess I'll just turn away and try not to look back, until there comes a moment when I can be with the ocean again, with the supervision of my overprotective SO.

Literally, now I just wanna say fuck him.

He won't allow me to surf, he won't get me pregnant, and now I'm wondering what's even keeping our relationship together. It amuses me how I can have too much hope and dreams but no results in my hands. It's absurd.

I love him and it's testing my patience.

A compromise shows that you have a common goal in mind: a healthy partnership, rather than your own singular happiness at heart. – Elitedaily

If a healthy partnership, giving him peace of mind, means that I can't go on trips alone — where I might accidentally get drunk and have sex with everyone — then I must be ready for endless weeping in my apartment.

Takeaways

Life is...well, just being itself – a cruel bitch.

It feels good to admit that I am in fact dealing with so many of life's un-pleasantries. Did writing this give me some clarity? Yes.

I tell myself:

• You can't have everything, but you can have something
• You can't just quit
• You have to make sacrifices in order to make other people happy
• You have to be patient; some plans take time
• You need sleep and proper rest.
• There's always beauty within; you don't always have to look outside for happiness.

I anticipate being jealous again when my man is back surfing, and I'll be stuck alone in my apartment. Hopefully, I'm pregnant when he leaves.

Plan B

Otherwise....I don't know, I guess I'll just read and write and immerse myself with words. Maybe find a new hobby, get serious with calligraphy or something.

I have to stay away from surfing for the meantime. The more I think about my lost love, the more it stings. It's hard to keep wanting something that you can't have constantly, or as you want it.

I'll do anything good, be kind, all except sex and drugs. I want to believe that I'm done with hookup and drug culture.

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I have decided to stop my medication...without professional advice.

Divalproex sodium was prescribed to me as medication for bipolar, a condition that doesn't have a cure anyway. It was supposed to act as a mood stabilizer according to a psychiatrist. I'd been taking it for 6 months now, as prescribed, but I had come to a point where it felt like inorganic medication wasn't something I wanted to do anymore.

The daily alarm for 10:30 in the morning is an exhausting reminder: You need to take some inorganic substance because you don't count as normal and mentally stable.

I understand that discontinuing the medication can worsen my symptoms or cause a relapse. As of now, I feel completely fine and that everything's going great. This is probably because the medicine is “working”. Like, I owe Big Pharma the reason why I have my shit together.

The exact opposite may happen sometime in the future, all because I refuse to take medicine. It doesn't feel like a big decision right now, unlike when I came to the doctor for treatment because I have lost control of my emotions and feelings, as I have been banging my head on a wall and cutting my wrist.

When I recall that day, it's like remembering a person who is not me anymore.

I was first diagnosed three years ago. I medicated for a short while, like less than 2 months, then tried to manage it on my own. I'm doing the same thing right now. I just hope I don't end up in the same position as before. I hope I don't get suicidal thoughts in the future anymore.

I think I'm gonna do well taking care of myself: I just have to eat, sleep, and de-stress like a normal person, understand my triggers, stay in a “safe zone” in life, and continue exercising and all that good stuff.

And maybe not splurge all my savings again on an impulsive surf trip to Calicoan. And maybe not meet anyone from Tinder again. Maybe. I just have to live inside this bubble, continue writing, stay away from toxic people.

I just have to make sure that my feet are planted firmly on a tightrope, hanging 5000 feet.

#bleak