The cure to depression
...the ultimate reward flying across the water, propelled by nature, completely dominating in the chase, never before feeling more free in bare feet and sun kissed face...
I once dared myself to last an entire calendar month without crying/sobbing/breaking down.
I failed for a year. And then some more months. I eventually stopped thinking about it.
Sometimes a month rolls in and I'd be hopeful, “Maybe I won't cry this month! There won't be a reason to be a sloppy, teary mess!”
I always fail, every time. There's always a cry of the month.
Last Saturday I was again in tears. Maybe the week's worth of labor had taken its toll, or I just couldn't keep all my shit together anymore.
In my previous post, I explained how much I wanted to go out and maybe have some fun. But the reality is that I'm so emasculated with zero appetite, I could sleep for hours and hours on end just to go through it all without feeling anything.
Okay, that last sentence might be too harsh.
Here's all my fucking problems in shameless bullet points:
- Can't go surfing anytime
- Not pregnant / might be infertile, who fucking knows?
- Jealous of my boyfriend's exes who got pregnant with his children
- So exhausted at work
- Can't resign from meaningless work because I need to save money
- Meanwhile my boyfriend can travel wherever, whenever he wants, goes surfing whenever there's waves, and doesn't have an office job that will hold his ass down
Am I doing something wrong? Am I willingly submitting myself to misery?
Fuck capitalism.
Capitalist dictionary:
— Existential Comics (@existentialcoms) June 7, 2019
Freedom: serving the rich.
Equality: everyone gets to serve the rich.
Happiness: liking how you serve the rich.
Failure: your life's work isn't useful to the rich.
What really drove me mad were bullet points #1 and #2. I'm pretty sure that I could bear all this – everything that's not so sweet about my life, being a pawn of capitalism, being a frustrated creative – if only I could go surfing whenever wherever, at least during the weekends...but my captain doesn't want me near other wahinos in his absence.
We've had that conversation countless times.
I try to deconstruct it so that I may come up with an alternative solution (i.e., think outside the box, or just fucking burn the box down)
What is it about surfing that makes my life so much better? Can I find the same fulfillment through other activities that wouldn't make my partner jealous or triggered?
There's so many things about surfing that makes life great but it all comes down to one thing: freedom.
When you're out in the lineup and catching waves and being an unproductive kid, you scream freedom.
You leave everything just to get that epic ride.
You travel miles from home, leave your phone, and forget about work.
When you're sitting on your board in the middle of the water, looking across the horizon, seeking, waiting for your turn – you become immersed a hunt that demands the entirety of you, physically, mentally, emotionally...
...the ultimate reward flying across the water, propelled by nature, completely dominating in the chase, never before feeling more free in bare feet and sun kissed face...
And then you crash with a smile on your face and paddle back out for more.
It's the total opposite of sitting for a 9-5.
So what's a good replacement for surfing that's pretty much the same package?
Dancing comes close. I've tried skating but it fucked up my right knee. Right now all I can think of is going back to the gym and working on my body.
It's not the same package, but I think it'll do. Somehow. I'm looking for the feeling of freedom, adventure, and nature spirit that the city lacks.
But the truth is, nothing would ever replace the feeling of surfing. Or just hanging out at a surf spot.
(I could go hiking but I actually hate lumps of land.)
Here's from that day I went surfing for the first time. I was pretty sure I'd found the cure to depression:
Funny how this cure was the reason for my breakdown last weekend.